Why am I Attracted to my Sister?
Intrusive desire, shame, and the circuitry of being human
TRANSMISSION X06
Name: Jordan M.
Age: 21
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin (USA)
Eyeball,
I think I’m into my sister and it’s messing with my head.
It’s not like I’m in love with her or anything dramatic. It’s more like my brain fires off the wrong reaction when she walks into a room. She’ll be talking about her day or eating cereal or whatever and suddenly I’m aware of her in a way I shouldn’t be. It feels like some part of me is wired wrong.
She’s only two years older than me, so we grew up practically like twins. We were always close, and nothing weird ever happened. That’s why this freaks me out. It just started showing up out of nowhere — like my body is playing some sick joke on me.
She’ll hug me, and instead of feeling normal sibling stuff, I get that stupid electric jolt I get around girls I actually like. It’s embarrassing. I literally freeze sometimes. She never notices because she’s normal and I’m apparently running on cursed firmware.
I’ve tried everything to shut it down — dating, ignoring it, pretending I didn’t feel anything. It keeps coming back. I don’t want this. I’m not trying to make something happen. I just want to know if this sort of thing hits other people and they don’t talk about it, or if I’m the only one walking around with this freaky glitch.
I’m not looking for therapy.
I’m just trying not to hate myself every time she smiles at me.
— Jordan
