Why Do I Want My Wife to Take Control in Bed?

A married man’s quiet fantasy, a lifetime of shame, and the truth about male submission.

Dear Eyeball,

I’m writing this because I don’t know who else I can talk to without sounding like a degenerate or blowing up my marriage.

My wife and I have been together for 12 years. We love each other, we communicate well, and things are good — except in the bedroom.

Not because we’re bored, but because I want something I’m terrified to admit.

I have this fantasy of her being more dominant. Not in a cartoon way — just more in control. More assertive. More… I don’t know, expressive? I want her to tell me what she wants, grab me, direct things. I want her energy to overwhelm me sometimes. I’ve never said this out loud.

I didn’t grow up in a home where women had power, so I don’t know where this even comes from. But I feel embarrassed by it. And ashamed. And honestly — scared she’ll see me differently if I admit it.

Is it normal to want your wife to take control?

And how the hell do I even bring this up without sounding like I’ve been watching too much porn?

— Mark (45), Chicago

---